Memories

So I was leaving work tonight and decided to put in an Anberlin cd since it was something I haven't listen to in a while. It reminded me of an ex girlfriend. I'm not sure why it brought back memories of her, and I really don't understand after all that happened with her, and all the things I learned about who she really is, is the fact nearly 4 years later I still have positive feelings about her. I should have never cared for her and I should have known better then to get involved yet to this day I can't help to be baffled and in awe of who she is or was.

It got me thinking of people from the past mostly. There are so many that I don't talk to anymore and people that I was so close to but no longer talk to. Bridget, Jordan, Dan, Mike, and others. When I look at who do I really miss, who would I love to talk to. It is none of those people though.

It's weird when I look back and see how many people meant nothing, mean nothing now or have broken my trust to the point of never talking to them again. But the person I miss most is Brittni. She wasn't my best friend, and hell I bet she hasn't thought of me since the last time we talked which was years ago. But she was a good person, sincere, kind and legit. I really lack one of those friends now a days. Expect kelly of course. LOVE YOU KELLLY.

I stopped at sheets for food on the way home and happened to see two people there that I haven't seen in years there as well. It was really ironic considering I was thinking about people of my past and happening to see people there.

Update

So I have been horrid on these updates but been so busy with stupid shit trying to catch up, honestly right now I should be doing tons of homework and catching up on stuff but no motivation like always. No poker in the past week, so that concludes the Monday update of poker, will eventually post graphs when I am not so lazy. I have a bunch of posts planned, I just have to sit down tomorrow or sometime to actually write them up and post.

Few things to note:

Bought and downloaded: Dr. Horribles Sing-along-blog, seriously a really funny basically short featuring NPH, I used to have it downloaded when it was free, but I said fuck it and bought it anyway. Not sure why I like it so much but its funny and nice to have to just watch every once and a while.

I went out Saturday night with Kelly, and it was actually really great. We went and got some food, like always, and then drove around in my car for like two hours and just jammed out and had a talk. Was nice to listen to some old music and have it remind me of my life, I will post more on that later but honestly Kelly is awesome and I miss her all the time, wish we were better friends, or that I was not just a loser and had to shut myself out from everyone in my life.

Totally just remembered that I have a test tomorrow, will study some in the morning I guess. According to her email there is only one small essay so I should be able to wing it pretty easily though my grade sucks so bad that who knows at this point. Again no motivation.

Last but not least, a song that is totally killing me the last few days.

What to say?

I said I was going to update every day, but god I am already being lazy. I totally slept through class again today. I REALLY have to stop being so lazy. I am going to fuck myself over even harder by not going to class but I have no motivation to do anything but sit at my stupid computer and waste my life.

Only interesting thing to note, last night this girl Nina sent me a message at like 3AM, it was alright I was still up randomly thinking about my ex-gf. I haven't talked to her in quite a while, and of course she only messaged me because she needed some tech help. Nothing I could really help her with but we got into an interesting conversation about her life recently. Seriously how lucky can some people get, she somehow meet basically a Norwegian prince who is rich and good looking and has powerful family. Oh did it make me so depressed and quite jealous, even though a prince isn't exactly my style.. lol.

Poker Update

So I think Monday will be the day of the week I will update on poker. Since I last updated I have not been active in the slightest bit. From Oct to Dec I played some hands and was doing decently well. After the new year I only played like 20k hands before March. I lost my DB a few times since then but I feel like I have been playing well. At beginning of March had a real bad down session and have only been making a comeback, even had to drop down to 10nl for a little. Will post a picture of current DB later.

Starting Anew

This is my first update in so so long, I was shocked to see how long actually. I decided this to be less about poker and more and more about my every day life. Although I will still update about poker sometimes, it won't be the only thing I post. I plan on posting at least something every day, although I am so bad at this I probably will forget by Monday. Oh well let's get it started.

I watched the GSL finals last night, and SPOILERS ALERT. oGsMC absolutely destroyed ST_July in basically every game and only in game 3 did MC make a mistake but it was not really anything he could have avoided it was just a very good play by July to drop the main. But ya MC is such a boss, he absolutely raped and is so cocky and confident about his game, exactly what Esports needs.

JW got me into this Polly Scattergood girl I do really like her. Have also been listening to alot of random music, nothing in particular. I am in need of something new although so any suggestions would be nice.

Okay RANT TIME. I am really really... I don't even know how to explain my feelings as of late. Depressed, lonely, insecure, lonely, depressed. Ya sort of a mixture of those, I just can't get the feeling off my back that I am a waste of space and that nothing I ever achieve or do will ever satisfy me. There are so many things that make me unhappy but I think I need to work on myself before I even have the right to complain about others.

I've been watching scrubs, for mostly no apparent reason but to feel bad, I really hate the world and those who love and receive affection. I want closeness and a real passion, and yes I know that it is a stupid show with fictional story lines and over dramatic and unrealistic tales but I can't help to concede that presently I would wish for nothing more than to feel half of the compassion that is displayed in fictional bliss. I guess that that is just not in the cards for me, not anytime soon anyway.