Why try.

I have been having a problem concentrating, I think it is the combined fact that I am extremely depressed once again, I stopped drinking caffeine which is causing withdraws, stressed about school already, and am totally unhappy with everything in my life. I feel so out of touch with everything, I can not even sit down and do homework without just zoning out for an hour at a time, getting zero work done.

Last post sounded pretty extreme, but I want to apologize to Kelly because she did not deserve what I said. I love Kelly, she might be the only person that is even close to understanding me, but even that isn't very close. It just pains me to see her. The second I feel her presence, I feel nothing but guilt. Not because of who she is, or our relationship which is so shit because I am too stupid to settle for what she offers me. It is because she embodies everything that I want, and I hate her for it. She has friends, she has a social life, she has activities and happiness. She seems happier now then I have ever seen her, which makes me feel some joy, but just even more guilt in myself because I know that there is nothing in my life that brings me even close to what she has. Usually I say that I will only stick around as long as I help a person stay/become happy, but Kelly has that without me, nor do I provide any in her life, she is far better off without me bringing her down. So maybe it is just time to let it go, as much as it pains me to lose someone who I feel close to, at least emotionally.

Also about apartment, I don't blame Kelly. She is doing what is easy for her, and probably the smarter plan. I was just looking forward to having someone around to actually communicate with. I guess I should have expected this but that is how it goes sometimes.

Poker update at last. Quick session tonight after losing my mind for a while. Only 1000 hands, one gay cooler vs mega-fish, and then this hand which saved my session:


Poker Stars $0.10/$0.25 No Limit Hold'em - 9 players - View hand 507004

The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter



UTG+1: $25.00

UTG+2: $37.25

MP1: $20.00

MP2: $9.95

CO: $29.90

Hero (BTN): $25.00

SB: $9.35

BB: $27.80

UTG: $26.25



Pre Flop: ($0.35) Hero is BTN with T T

6 folds, Hero raises to $0.75, 1 fold, BB calls $0.50



Flop: ($1.60) J 9 Q (2 players)

BB checks, Hero bets $1.25, BB calls $1.25



Turn: ($4.10) K (2 players)

BB checks, Hero bets $3.25, BB calls $3.25



River: ($10.60) 9 (2 players)

BB checks, Hero bets $6.50, BB raises to $22.55 all in, Hero calls $13.25 all in



Final Pot: $50.10

Hero shows T T (a straight flush, Nine to King)

BB shows 9 9 (four of a kind, Nines)

Hero wins $47.65

(Rake: $2.45)

Life rant time

First off, had one down session on pokerstars, right after a small withdraw. Both just standard stuff but wasn't really focused and just got off. xfered some money to tilt to try this rush shit. And I ran LOLbad and lost 10 (yes 10 buyins) at 10nl. Whatever, xfered what was left back to pokerstars.Haven't been focused or motivated so I haven't played at all. So that ends my grind for supernova more then likely.

Life rant time.Sarah and I are doing good, which is probably the only bright spot in my life. Friends? John Wu. That is the list. I try to talk to Kelly and Ron but they just do not give a shit, and honestly I am so fed up with having to wait upon people to be bored enough to talk to me. Even when I do see them it makes me nothing but more depressed because I realize how empty and hopeless my life is.They both have lives, and friends, and actually go out and do things where I sit around and waste my life away. I have no friends, no job, do shitty in school.

Kelly now says she is not going to move out of her apartment and find a place with me, so basically I am screwed for next year, probably going to have to move home. Which will completely fuck up my life, but fuck it. It can't get any worse then it already is.

/endrant

UPDATEAMENTS

Didn't play yesterday, trying to not burnout from the pretty big volume I have been trying to put in. Got on today and noticed 11.22 hyper turbos to 33r sat. Played a few and was up big and was like "hey this is easy", and then proceeded to lose like 150 (atleast) after being up like 80 early on. Played one cash session and lost a buyin and quit. Then decided to degen and play underrolled again for 25nl til I was rolled again. Got down near 4 buyins early in session (running 85 below ev) and grinded it back til i was up just over 105 bucks. Overall stats and graphs now.

Long Day

Going to try to update every day now. Yesterday had a good session just after midnight where I made like 48 bucks. I then played again at 7pm, and well it didn't go very well.

Since last update

On vaca, didn't play much before I went home for the week of xmas. Since I have played well although I am still lacking in hands played like I wanted. Current graph of DB, last 20k hands in janurary.

8.5k hands of 25nl and 20k hands of 10nl. Winrate overall of 12bb/100 combined. :)

Long timeeeee

Once again I forget I even have this blog and never update it. Since last post I had been playing 25nl beating it for about 6bb/100 over the past like 20k hands or so, but had cashed out most of the winnings to survive IRL. Then bout 2 days ago I lost nearly half my roll (bout 10 buyins) in like 3000 hands. I think bout 1 buyin of tilt total in that, all were standard or epic coolers against aggro donks which is what made it the worst. KK vs AA, QQ vs KK, QQ vs AK, TT vs 88 ON T8x8 board and so on. Was 7 buyins below ev and that doesnt even count the flips and just preflop coolers i had. So i cashed out all but 100 dollars and moved down to 5nl. Got so bored with 5nl in the first 10 minutes that I moved up to 10nl with only 10 buyins but have already built it up to 170 in 1500 hands (bout 30 from FPP converting) but am still killing it for 25+bb/100.

With all the loose fish at 10nl it really makes me play tigher and probably better so I need to actually maintain this at 25nl when I get a chance to move back up.

Update

No updates since I have played very little poker, decent month last month with low volume, bad start to this month so far but again small sample.

As for life, who knows. I feel more and more astranged from all that I feel important, the longing to feel wanted has been growing. The things that I value and want seems further away now than ever and I have become more and more enclosed in a world I cannot withstand.