Why try.

I have been having a problem concentrating, I think it is the combined fact that I am extremely depressed once again, I stopped drinking caffeine which is causing withdraws, stressed about school already, and am totally unhappy with everything in my life. I feel so out of touch with everything, I can not even sit down and do homework without just zoning out for an hour at a time, getting zero work done.

Last post sounded pretty extreme, but I want to apologize to Kelly because she did not deserve what I said. I love Kelly, she might be the only person that is even close to understanding me, but even that isn't very close. It just pains me to see her. The second I feel her presence, I feel nothing but guilt. Not because of who she is, or our relationship which is so shit because I am too stupid to settle for what she offers me. It is because she embodies everything that I want, and I hate her for it. She has friends, she has a social life, she has activities and happiness. She seems happier now then I have ever seen her, which makes me feel some joy, but just even more guilt in myself because I know that there is nothing in my life that brings me even close to what she has. Usually I say that I will only stick around as long as I help a person stay/become happy, but Kelly has that without me, nor do I provide any in her life, she is far better off without me bringing her down. So maybe it is just time to let it go, as much as it pains me to lose someone who I feel close to, at least emotionally.

Also about apartment, I don't blame Kelly. She is doing what is easy for her, and probably the smarter plan. I was just looking forward to having someone around to actually communicate with. I guess I should have expected this but that is how it goes sometimes.

Poker update at last. Quick session tonight after losing my mind for a while. Only 1000 hands, one gay cooler vs mega-fish, and then this hand which saved my session:


Poker Stars $0.10/$0.25 No Limit Hold'em - 9 players - View hand 507004

The Official DeucesCracked.com Hand History Converter



UTG+1: $25.00

UTG+2: $37.25

MP1: $20.00

MP2: $9.95

CO: $29.90

Hero (BTN): $25.00

SB: $9.35

BB: $27.80

UTG: $26.25



Pre Flop: ($0.35) Hero is BTN with T T

6 folds, Hero raises to $0.75, 1 fold, BB calls $0.50



Flop: ($1.60) J 9 Q (2 players)

BB checks, Hero bets $1.25, BB calls $1.25



Turn: ($4.10) K (2 players)

BB checks, Hero bets $3.25, BB calls $3.25



River: ($10.60) 9 (2 players)

BB checks, Hero bets $6.50, BB raises to $22.55 all in, Hero calls $13.25 all in



Final Pot: $50.10

Hero shows T T (a straight flush, Nine to King)

BB shows 9 9 (four of a kind, Nines)

Hero wins $47.65

(Rake: $2.45)